Frederick M. Hueston, PhD  

Stone Care Consultant 

It is rare that I get to do a stone inspection outside the US, but today would be one of those rare occurrences.      

I was just finishing up a cup of Jo at the local greasy spoon when my cell phone rang. It didn’t matter who was calling, because I found myself listening to this old guy who was doing more of a monologue than a conversation. I’m sure you know the type; he knew it all and wasn’t too shy to let me and everyone else know. So, the second my phone rang I excused myself and headed out the door.

The voice on the other end was a lady with a really squeaky, high-pitched voice. Kind of sounded like Edith from that All in the Family TV sit-com.  

“Is this the stone detective, eh?” she asked. 

I said, “Yes, it is,” and she responded with “Good, eh.” No, that is not a typo—she actually said “eh.” I’m sure now you guessed what country she was calling from. 

She continued on in that high-pitched, annoying voice. She said that she was the manager of a bank and that her stone lobby floor had the “dippy dews.” 

Now, I’ve been doing stone inspections for a long time and had never heard of the Dippy Dews. Maybe it was a Canadian thing, eh? 

Before I could ask her what she meant, she continued on and on about the dippy dews and how the local stone restoration contractor ruined her floor. She asked if I could fly up there and take a look. 

Well, I thought, I have to see what the heck the Dippy Dews are, so I agreed. I emailed her my proposal and then booked my flight.

The flight to Canada was uneventful unless you count the screaming babies at the back of the plane. For some reason I have learned how to tune that out. Is it me or are they putting the seats closer together on these planes? My seat was so close to the row in front of me that my knees were touching the back of it. 

Anyway, enough of my grumpy, old-man complaining. I got off the plane, grabbed my bag, and headed to immigration. Immigration is always fun. I felt like I had committed a crime and was being interrogated. 

They asked why I was coming to Canada and how long I was going to be there, etc., etc. I gave them my usual canned answers. I learned many years ago when you go into a foreign country, never, ever tell them you are there for business. I made that mistake once and ended up spending several hours in line getting a work permit. I survived customs and grabbed a cab to head to my hotel.

The next morning I met “Edith” in the bank lobby. You won’t believe me when I tell you that she not only sounded like Edith from the TV show, but looked like her too. I was expecting any minute now for Archie to start yelling at her. 

She pointed at the floor and said, “Well, there she is. You see what’s wrong, eh?” 

I got down on my knees and looked across the floor and noticed that it had dips. In other words, the floor had high and low spots. If you rolled a marble across the floor it would ride up and down as if it were being rolled over waves. 

At that moment I knew exactly what was wrong. “Do you know what kind of machine was used to grind and hone the floor?” I asked. 

She said, “It was a buffer, like a janitor uses.” 

“That’s what I thought,” I told her. I explained to her that the marble she had was very soft and when the floor was ground and honed, that the machine used can create dips, and the rolling effect that she was observing is, in her words, the dippy dews.  

“Can it be be fixed?” she asked. 

“It may be possible to have someone come in with a planetary head machine with a rigid plate. The only problem is that the entire floor may be one big dip rather than several. But it’s worth a try, otherwise the floor will need to be replaced.” 

Another case solved. And at least now I know what the dippy dews are. Now, to find some of that famous Canadian bacon for breakfast, eh? 

The Stone Detective is a fictional character created by Fred Hueston, written to be entertaining and educational. He has written over 33 books on stone and tile installations, fabrication and restoration and also serves as an expert for many legal cases across the world. You can send any email comments to him at fhueston@stoneforensics.com.